Here's Why I Told Big Cat And Dave I Had An Immunity Idol

On last night's episode of Surviving Barstool, I told Dave and Big Cat (and Whit) about the immunity idol I'd been holding as a secret through the first four episodes. I've been pilloried for this decision, and rightfully so given the way that it was presented in the show. Many of you wondered how someone could do something so stupid, as it immediately puts a huge target on my back and reveals the one advantage I had in the game. 

However, the editors and producers—who up to this point have been the unsung heroes of the show—left out a few choice pieces of information. Why they did this, I don't know and will never know, as I will never speak to them again for painting me as a fool. Dead to me, they are. Will I ruin their lives online? No, that seems extreme. But then again, I've never smoked crack so my bar for enacting digital vengeance is far higher. 

Let me also add that I am not good at "playing" Survivor. I watched Season 1 with my family about 25 years ago, and then we decided to shift our focus to education, sports, music, and becoming well-rounded citizens of the world. Hand to God, I did not even know the show was still on the air until Barstool did season 1 of Surviving Barstool and Tommy described himself as a Survivor enthusiast. I remember thinking how pathetic that was at the time: who watches season 47 of a show? Season 47?! Fucking add some goddamn variety to your life. There is so much other shit to watch now. Evolve. Grow. Dare to leave the nest of a reality TV gameshow and taste the fruits of scripted masterpieces or even other dogshit TV if you must. 

Turns out, it was all to my detriment. For my lack of Survivor knowledge has proven to be a gigantic weakness of mine in this game, and one that was exploited by Big Cat last night. But again, there's more to that story. 

I had moved my bed into the ANUS pod studio (with their blessing) to sleep, and I was hiding my immunity idol in my toilet kit inside my bag. At some point, I returned to my room and found that the items in my bag had been moved around and my toilet kit had also been searched, which certainly meant that someone now knew I had the idol. I was pretty pissed off about this, as it felt like a violation of some professional privacy. Flustered, I then found myself talking to Big Cat who said off-camera "I know you have an immunity idol." I tried to deflect, but he was resolute. "I can't tell you how I know, but I know," he said. 

Now, Big Cat claims this was a complete guess. That he was simply throwing it out there in order to bluff his way into learning information. A total guess! A shot in the dark! 

Ok Big Cat. Ok. 

What are the odds that he would try that tactic with the one person in the entire game, as far as we know, who possesses an immunity idol? The morning after someone went through my bag? I'm not even saying that Big Cat was the one who went through my bag. But I do believe that whoever did immediately told him.  

This then led to me talking to Dave, as Big Cat's question confirmed in my mind that someone had gone through my toilet kit and found my idol. Here's that convo: 

They don't show that the lead up to this disclosure is me telling Dave that someone went through my bag, and asking if there are any fucking rules about privacy to this insane game we're in. Because if someone is going to rifle through my toilet kit, then I'm going to go collect the entire assembly of our female contestants' underwear, weave it into a giant scarf, and wear it around my face like a gas mask to huff any fucking time I want. 

Knowing that the cat (idol) was literally out of the bag, I then decided to just frame it all as me being stupid for the sake of humor. Hence the confessionals where I say I can't keep secrets. There's truth to that, too. A savvier Survivor player might have denied, denied, denied their possession of an idol no matter what. 

But for me to have that level of Survivor composure, I'll have to watch 46 more seasons of the show. Which I think we all know I'm never going to do. Because I have books to read and songs to sing.